Every day I entitle my diary heading as “Day One.” This practice started with an intimate relationship that was off again-on again. Each time we broke up, I would journal my emotions the first day after we broke up, thus the Day One. Then we would get back together, and it would happen all over again some months later.
It’s all Day One. Day One of my yoga practice. I begin now. Now. And now. Day One of the day I become more compassionate, eat less wheat and sugar, and don’t wake up cursing the world.
This is a true, though not a charming side of me. Each night before I go to bed, I vow that I won’t wake up swearing about having to get out of bed and be responsible. And yet in the morning. I do. I swear. I say the nastiest things. Ooo-wee. I can hardly listen to myself. Gradually, after vowing to be pleasant and happy to greet the day joyfully for several months, the pattern has become, I start to swear, and then I stop and question myself. “Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to start this day with this negative attitude?” Not really, but I’m going to! I have to laugh at myself.
Lately, I have started to throw in a tentative postive statement right after I question myself. It sounds like this in my head: first swearing, then, “Do you really want to be this way? No. I love the morning. I love the morning sun shine. I love my work and taking care of my kids.” Then I feel internal resistance accompanied by swearing. It’s all true too. I love those things, but for some reason, there is still a part of me that is angry about having to get up and be responsible.
I have had patterns that I broke by going cold turkey, and I’ve had patterns that I broke by gradual persistence. I know I can. I know I will when I am ready/able/put under pressure. There is a meditative practice that suggests we just look at what arises without getting attached to it. See it for what it is, and then let it go. It may come back, over and over again, notice, label, detach, let it go. Swearing, anger, let it go. I do, I do. It does seem to be softening some, and I like the added undermining of something positive in this case. Until then, I must let a little laughter in.
Day One, everything is hard. Day One, I laugh.